bronwensaurus smash!

So far, I’ve lost 35 lbs. this year.  I plateaued for a few weeks while I didn’t exercise and started eating more.  I’m back on track now, and the weight is continuing to peel off.  Not that I give a ton of credence to BMI measurements, but I’m now in healthy-weight range once adjusted for my large frame (and just in overweight range at the medium frame range).  I’m pretty reliably a size 12 (or 32 in denim) on my lower half of body, and between medium and large on top.  If this is as low as I’m going to get, it’s livable.

Next week, I’m moving to a new apartment that has a swimming pool.  In a few weeks I’m headed to a beach for vacation.  I bought my first bikini, and then I immediately bought my second.

I moved to Los Angeles nearly four years ago.  I weighed 156 lbs. on the day I flew out here to stay.  I weigh a whole lot more now.

Backing up.  I was a normal-sized kid.  I never played sports, but I took dance classes for hours many days of the week.  I ate like crazy and didn’t put on much weight.  I’m on the tall side (5’7” and like a 1/2”), and have broad shoulders and hips; I’ve been curvy since age 12.  I got injured and stopped dancing for a while.  I kept eating as much as I had been when active because, well, I didn’t really know I couldn’t.  I went from about a size 6 to a size 14 within the course of the 11th grade.  It sucked.

After high school, I moved to NYC.  Constant walking meant I got down to a size 12.  Moved to Baltimore a few years later, walked less, and ballooned up to a size 16.  Over time, through cutting calories, walking and yoga, I got the weight way down.

I moved to Los Angeles nearly four years ago; I weighed 156 lbs. and wore anywhere between a size 8-12 depending on designer, cut, etc.  My BMI was 24, which is the high end of normal, but I felt and looked pretty healthy.

I drive everywhere.  I’m so non-athletic that I’m pretty much the punchline from every movie you’ve ever seen about gym class.  I have never been able to commit to gym time past about a month.  What I was eating wasn’t really that terrible, but my portions were certainly too large for the amount of movement I made.

I’ve been tracking my calorie intake and weight off and on for years.  I gained about 20 lbs. after just one year in LA.  I gained another 20 lbs. in my second year here, which put me at nearly 200 lbs. total.  I’ve lost and gained back 10 of those pounds maybe 5 times since.
I got on my scale on January 1st of this year, and the screen read 199.9.  There was no way in hell I was going to let that rise any further.

I managed to lose about 8 lbs. by March 2nd just through cutting calories, but that was as far as it went.  I had my annual physical with my doctor and discussed weight loss strategies with him.  He drew some blood for tests and, well, this is the part where I was really embarrassed and just didn’t follow up with him.

Later in March, I got the crazy cold plus throat pain that’s going around that knocks you out for, like, two weeks.  I saw my doctor again during this time to rule out a sinus infection or strep throat.  While I was there, I talked to him again about weight loss.  He recommended an appetite suppressant to me, suggested I do some reading, and drew some more blood to make sure I’d be okay trying out the pills.  He called me back a few days later to say that he was writing the prescription, and I could start on the pills once my cold cleared up a bit.

I started taking the appetite suppressant at the beginning of April.  (I’m a little bit reluctant to just name what I am taking because a) it’s not a fat burner, it’s just an appetite suppressant, it’s not *that* magical and b) one should so speak to their doctors if interested in my results rather than trying to self-diagnose & order from Canada, etc.)  I take half a pill immediately after breakfast and it pretty much kills my appetite for the rest of the day.  I eat planned out meals at scheduled times and that’s it, no snack cravings, therefore no snacking.

I also began exercising in earnest.  I’ve worked my way up to doing 16 minutes straight on an elliptical trainer.  I exercise every single day.  I alternate between elliptical, 40 minutes of walking at 3.7 speed on treadmill, and cardio fitness DVDs.  At some point, I’ll really need to add in strength training but my immediate fitness goal is to get more comfortable on elliptical.  I’m not going to lie and say the exercise is easy, but I find myself increasingly looking forward to it.  Without it, I certainly won’t keep losing weight.  But I’ve also found that it actually does chill out my stress.

I hit 181 lbs. a couple of days go, so I’ve lost 19 since the beginning of the year.  My BMI is currently 28, which is the high side of overweight (and no longer obese). My period started yesterday, so I’m not really expecting to see any weight decrease for another few days or anything, but I’m really hopeful I can continue at a nice clip.  I’m seeing my doctor every two weeks for blood tests.  He’s monitoring my liver and gall bladder – both of which can be impacted by losing weight too quickly – as well as some other stuff specific to my body like iron levels.

My goal is pretty modest: I need to get to 159 lbs. so my BMI will be just into normal range.  From there I’ll evaluate based on my fitness level of what more I can reasonably accomplish and maintain.

I’ve always been really afraid of being fat.  I don’t want people to see me, so I remove myself from social situations, avoid eye contact in hallways, drop out of peoples’ lives, don’t show up to parties, etc.  I am an intensely private person, and most of why is hooked into my self-image.  So, blogging this process is difficult for me, but ultimately I’ve decided it’s necessary.  Honestly, I just kind of feel like saying fuck it.  I’m going to write the blog I wish I had to read.

There are very few resources available to deal with being overweight and losing weight in a way that I myself need.  Losing weight is both super hard (discipline) and ridiculously easy (hacking yourself).  There’s very little plain talk out there from people doing it who aren’t lying to themselves and/or their audience about their process in the moment.  If I read one more profile of some woman who went from 238 lbs. to 115 lbs. and is now a personal trainer, I might stab myself in the eye.  Maybe I can be that for someone else. Shrug.

This is a chart of my progress since the beginning of March.